If they sold enterprise software on television …

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It was either the late night spicy burrito or falling asleep while the television was still on but I could have sworn I saw an infomercial pitching enterprise software. Worse, I could have sworn it was colleague Jon Reed and I selling that stuff! Here’s my recollection of what that interminable, obnoxious ad contained:

Brian: “Hi, Brian and Jon here to tell you about the biggest news to hit the software space today!”

Jon: “That’s right, Astounding ERP is now available without a prescription. It’s gonna change how you feel about work – and – the way you think of enterprise software!”

This miracle, space-age technology is not just ERP:  it’s four software tools in one! Now you can harness the power of Astounding ERP through this special TV offer!

Brian: Watch as we take this ordinary accounting department and insert Astounding ERP! Why in just seconds, paradigms will shift and business cases will automagically come true!

The Astounding ERP software saves money because of its unique atomic clarification technology. It eliminates software audits, contract negotiations and those pesky software user conferences.  It even sucks up any IT budget, no matter how big or small! And it works in any situation!

But how great is Astounding ERP? We put our ERP to the test with real users not actors!”

(voice of an ERP customer): “After 14 years, it came as no surprise that we needed a new ERP. Our new Astounding ERP installed in just seconds! We couldn’t believe they put it up in the cloud just for us!”

(voice of another ERP customer): “We liked how our Astounding ERP software developers used the rare Konjac root to build the product. It even restored the luster to our multi-columnar spreadsheets! With Astounding ERP, you don’t need a Boot Camp and you will lose up to 4X your old ERP software code – 78% of that old code was just ‘fat’!”

Jon: “New Astounding ERP will slice, dice and even make Julienne fries out of your old backup tapes! Its all-copper construction locks in nutrients while powering the bot revolution!”

(voice of a third ERP customer): “And, should you ever need help, just press this button and an Astounding ERP representative will assess your situation and get help on its way!”

Brian: “Astounding ERP is made right here in the USA! People were not asked to change their lifestyle when using the Astounding ERP software. That’s right! People, processes, forms and workflows never have to change with Astounding ERP! Let the power of the Astounding ERP do it all for you!”

Jon: “To show you the power of Astounding ERP, we cut this data center in half. After applying our patented, space-age cloud technology, this company’s business is better than ever!”

(both Brian & Jon simultaneously): “We liked the Astounding ERP technology so much, we bought the company!

(Prospective customer): “So, how can I get Astounding ERP?”

Jon: “Call or go online now! And, if you call in the next 30 minutes, we’ll throw in multi-tenancy at no additional cost!  But that’s not all! Order right now and we’ll double your user count and upgrade you to the untested beta version! WE’LL EVEN TOSS IN SOME GDPR! YES, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT FOLKS! All you have to pay is a separate shipping and handling fee. Be sure and act now! Use the special code “Software Audit”! Operators are on duty.”

Brian: “And remember at Astounding ERP, we se habla accounting!

Jon: “But there’s more! If you call in the next 30 minutes, you’ll not only get the Astounding ERP, you’ll also get a set of Ginzu knives, a bamboo wok steamer and this one-time special bonus: out of the box Salesforce integration! Don’t miss this chance to get the integrations others only dream about along with a one year subscription to Time Magazine!

(unseen announcer whispering the fine print): “Your results may vary. Don’t use Astounding ERP if you’re allergic to software salespeople, scope creep or financial losses. Discontinue use of Astounding ERP if you experience diarrhea, convulsions, heart attacks, nightmares about user licensing, mood swings or death. See your doctor right away if you experience any of these symptoms after implementing Astounding ERP.  I’m a non-attorney spokesman for Astounding ERP.”

Jon: “I’m Jon Reed and I approve of this message.”

Was it a late-night infomercial, or just a bad user conference I had tried not to remember? Yeah, I might have been dreaming but I kept on channel surfing, in the hope that someday I’ll find Astounding ERP on sale again.

Jon Reed was a contributing writer on this piece. He’s an informercial fan boy from the way back.

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